My parents are insane. The chronicles Chapter VI

Dear friend,

I’m really tired talking to a machine all day long so I am going to start writing to you and pretend I have to go down to the post office and mail a letter every once in a while.

I’ve decided to talk to you about my parents who are completely mental.

I sometimes fantasize I leave to work in the morning, something really amazing happens and I just don’t come back home, ever.

Today is the 27^th of December, I had to stay home for the holydays which drove me completely insane. We stayed in because my mother decided to be mad, for no reason at all. She was mad at us, she barely spoke to me or my dad and sat in bed all day long watching TV.

I’ve gotten so used to keeping myself busy over the last three months that I came to a point of not being able to just lie in bed and watch movies and eat junk food like I used to. Which, incidentally makes me feel a lot happier than I used to be. These two days were the death of me. I was so bored I wanted to blow my brains out only so that I could scrape them off the wall and have something to do.

I made the insane mistake to remark as such in a loud voice, in the vicinity of my mother’s ears.

What came next, left me completely perplexed for at least an hour.

My mother started screaming at me “If you would’ve taken us to the mountains you wouldn’t be bored now.”

I said “Mom, why didn’t you say you wanted to go out?”  Especially since the day before I asked her if she wanted to go to the country and she refused with a barely mumbled “No.” that got me figured she was in one of her moods and just wanted to stay in.

As a response I got more yelling “Because you’re you and you would’ve said you don’t want to, or that you have stuff to do. You’re the one how should’ve said something.”

I really feel like I need to mention the fact that I’m not a mind reader. Of course if I had said something she wouldn’t have wanted to go because nothing was planned out from a day before.

So let’s see what we have until now, shall we? My mom wants everything to be perfectly planned out without her actually saying anything and when she does open her mouth is just so she can reproach to you that you didn’t do something you didn’t even know about.

Now what am I supposed to do with that new discovery except for actually blowing my brains out?

Love always,

Laura 

How I want to go

The fact and the matter is that, whether we like it or not we’re all gonna die.

But let me start with the beginning.

Couple of days ago I hurt my back. Devil only knows how or why or when or with what. But I fucking hurt my back to hard the next morning I couldn’t stand up.  So as I was crawling to the bathroom I said to myself “Fuck me I’m gonna die.” Then I realized I don’t want to die and so, an internal conversation began with myself.

I don’t want to die, but I will but at least don’t let me die like this, from a back pain with my pants around my ankles in a room that smells like shit. I want to die in a big blast, or a plane crash or a train collision or something like that. I wouldn’t like to die alone, I would like to have my fellow plane or train travelers with me and please God let there be a celebrity amongst us.

Mainly because I have a picture in my mind of how Heaven would be if it exists. And we’ll all go to Heaven cause I heard some illusionary shit somewhere that if someone kills you without you having to piss him off beforehand all your sins are whipped clean and you’ll end up in Heaven when the conductor or the pilot would be downstairs doing the hell fire rumba for killing all those “innocent” motherfucking people that just needed a ride.

So we die and our souls don’t just grow wings, go to heaven and that’ll be that, no no. We would go to the main lobby of Heaven and wait for the receptionist to check us in because I somehow don’t believe that the celestial realm has a better grasp on guest greeting than a hotel manager. So we’d stay in line while the nice lady with the creepy smile and the shy hair checks us in like she has all the time in the world to do it and you can’t just go outside for a pack of cigarettes anymore cause that’ll send your ass in Hell according to some beliefs and you have to entertain yourself somehow.

And what’s the main entertaining pass time of the world at this hour? Sports? NO! Literature? NO! Quantum physics? HELL NO, I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT QUANTUM STANDS FOR!

The main entertaining pass time is celebrity gossip.

So you sit there in the lobby trying to read pamphlets and maps and rules and you see Robert Downey Jr.

MAN THIS DAY JUST GOT BETTER!

You’d start asking him all kinds of stupid questions like: Why doesn’t Sting have any balls? Why does Jud Nelson’s nostrils flare like that when he’s upset? You’d make him repeat his kid’s name every five minutes because it is such a dumb ass name there’s no way you can remember it for too long.  You’d make him do the Iron Man stuff than the Sherlock stuff, than the stuff he did in Less Than Zero or Home For The Holydays but not too soon cause that shit will send his ass straight to hell. You can ask him if Sarah Jessica Parker’s face looks like that from sucking too much dick. If he says NO you can start yelling in the lobby “We have a liar here, there’s a liar amongst us” so you can slow down the process of checking into heaven even further because the creepy smile girl wouldn’t just call your name and give you the key to the pearly gates anymore, she’ll implement a series of “routine” questions as well, just to be safe.

Ah, yes. It would be a lot of fun to die in an airplane crash.

How I work

I don't really know how other people's lives work but my shit life, that's another story.
There are four stages of life for me. The "sitting and waiting", the "doing shit i love for free", the "working" and last but not least the "everything goes south, crushing and burning". There are glimmers of hope when one more stage comes up and that is the "doing sports". This particular stage of life is temporary and most often seasonal but it cheers me up none the less.
Please observe that I do not have the "laying back and relaxing" stage because I always have a stick up my ass. And not in a good way.
Now I'll talk about each and every one cause I'm bored and I want to bore the crap out of you people as well:

-The sitting and waiting stage looks a lot like today. I sit at my computer, I look up shit to post on a Facebook page and wait for the divine to come down from the sky, lay his pervy hands on me and make me into a rock star. Or at least an assistant manager, we really can't afford to be picky here.

- The doing shit I love for free stage is when I'm drawing for the sheer pleasure of drawing, volunteering or watching a movie. Since I've never encountered someone who is payed to watch movies (rather than watch movies and write about them later) I am going to take the time and space on paper to express my anger towards the fact that no one is paying me for drawing (cause I'm stubborn and I don't want to learn computer graphics because I thing is impersonal and cold and lifeless) or for my volunteering, which by definition it's work without payment, except the moral and satisfactory kind. This stage has weed-like effects since while I'm working i feel free and happy and at the end I want to throw up cause I'm still broke and one day short on my way to immortality.

-The working stage is made of moral satisfaction as well since the money that I do earn can be up to, and including buttons or pumpkin seeds. Since I work at a kindergarten the kids saying "I love you" sometimes is just payment enough.

- I say sometimes because the  everything goes south, crushing and burning  stage is the most cruel and one can only sit back and watch things fall apart. This particular stage of life is that time of year when nothing works, everything brakes down, your bills come to pass, the car insurance expires, you have no more gas, the internet needs to be payed and even God puts on a pair of headphones and acts like a child, turning his back and humming, instead of listening. Of course I don't believe in God so all that shit comes poring down on me because I'm the only one who has the power to make thing better and that kinda overwhelms me.

- The periodical doing sports stage is active mostly in the winter and summer when I can go to the skating rink or the pool, depends on the weather conditions. Also the crushing and burning stage reappears because i don't quite have the material means to go to the skating rink and the swimming pool.

Life is funny, ain't it?

The powers of the universe don't want me to drink coffee in the morning

This is the second time I try to make coffee and everything goes to bloody hell.
The first time the equation was simple, no coffee in the coffee box, no coffee in my mug.
This time instead there was a lot of coffee in the coffee box and sugar and water but no gas and so my brain had the brilliant idea to microwave the damn coffee. I poured the composition from the kettle into a mug and shoved it into the microwave, I even put a small plate on top of the mug, for good measure and waited.
When I got it out all that water and coffee was just that, warm water and coffee, not the sweet nectar of love in the morning. So I shoved it's muggy ass back into the microwave and a few seconds later all hell broke loose.
My brilliant idea turned so very wrong, my precious nectar of life poured out of the mug and onto the microwave's plate.
I was sad for a short moment but when i saw that there still is some coffee in the mug I jumped up and down, took it out, cleaned the plate and transferred the liquid of awakeness into another mug, cleaned the first one and now I'm drinking microwaved coffee.
Of course, with my luck I'll get cancer from the microwaves but I don't care...COFFEE

Hammond the hamser

Educatie fizica

Found this while on Facebook, it made me laugh and exercise at the same time. M-am gandit s-o impart cu voi. :))

Cea Mai Oferta Mare

Cea mai oferta dintre oferte. N-am vazut asa ceva ... mai ca-mi vine s-o comand.

Liberty

Am facut-o de oaie copii. Ne-am grabit ca fata mare la maritat, am plecat cu mana-n cur si acum suntem in mijlocul campului ca prostu-n sat. Am plecat d-acasa catre Liberty rahati. Pardon, Liberty parade. Pentru ca mama este o bufnita, un liliac, o pasare de noapte, un party animal a trebuit sa-mi inghit nodurile aferente si sa accept sa merg cu ei, cu amandoi la mare. Nu au luat benzina de seara, nu au controlat rotile si iata-ne, la cativa kilometrii de Fetesti, cu o mare si suberba pana pe stanga fata.

Nu, nu avem roata de rezerva, fireste. Sa schimbe o roata stie si inaltimea mea. Ma simt cam cel mai prost om de pe suprafata pamantului si plus de asta, e 7:24 si noi mai avem pe putin 200 de km pana la Constanta. Lucky us. Am dat peste un adevarat domn. Era cu o Solenza si a acceptat sa ne imprumute roata de rezerva pana ajungem la o vulcanizare. Si-am ajuns. La intrarea in Poarta Alba am gasit o vulcanizare care, care n-a facut nimic pentru ca scumpul nostru cauciuc era facut ferfenite. Am mai mers pana-n Valu’ lui Traian de unde, la o vulcanizare mai mare am achizitionat un cauciuc, uzat dar bun de mers la drum cu el.

Drum de cacat. Ne-am tarait cam 4 ore de la Fetesti pana la medgidia. Si de la Medgidia pana la Venus.

Liberty Parade.

Ce sa spun, atmosfera cat cuprinde si cam atat. Inca ma mir ca nu l-au pus pe Ferry sa bage o manea la cati cocalari erau acolo. My last year @ Liberty Parade, unless someone better is coming the next year. :))

Fara Cuvinte

vorbeam azi cu un baiat, parea inteligent la inceput, din nefericire aparentele insala




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Ha Ha Ha

Intuneric... gonesti cu masina cu o viteza constanta ... in stanga ta este o prapastie, in dreapta ta, paralel cu tine merge o autospeciala de pompieri cu aceeasi viteza ca tine. In fata ta galopeaza un elefant la fel de repede care este mai mare decat masina ta si nu poti sa-l depasesti. In spatele tau te urmareste un elicopter foarte aproape de sol. Elefantul si elicopterul isi mentin viteza. Ce faci, ca sa scapi din situatia asta? Raspuns: ...... te dai jos din carusel si altadata sa nu mai bei ca porcul...